Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

By Natalie Laber

Do you ever see Japanese people on the street and they look like they literally just stepped out of a fashion magazine spread, and you glance down at your own shabby attire which you’re wearing for the second day that week because you forgot to do laundry (again), and feel the deep and painful gnaw of inadequacy? Yeah, me too.

I’m here to reassure you that those flawless girls and guys with their poreless skin and their elegantly coiffed hair and their perfect figures — they’re human too.

Let me set the scene. It’s a midsize bar in Tokyo with a laughably small bathroom and an uncomfortably narrow hallway in which to wait for said bathroom. I’m dressed, as usual, like a homeless person; the two other girls in line are wearing form-fitting mini dresses and six inch heels. For some reason I’ve ended up in between them in line, sandwiched like a scruffy b*tch sandwich on glamorous Japanese bread. And as we’re waiting, they both glance at me, glance at each other, and then pointedly look elsewhere.

Now, I’m no mind reader but I’m pretty sure they were mentally communicating something like, “Hahaha who even let this ho out of the house looking like some type of hobo?! What a joke hahahahaha!!”

Is this an exaggeration? Maybe. Was I feeling very self conscious? Absolutely.

So the first girl goes into the bathroom, does her business, and comes out, shooting me a haughty look before making her way back to the bar. At this point I don’t care because my bladder is the fullest it’s ever been. I enter the tiny stall and what do I see in the toilet bowl?

If you guessed poo, you’re right.

I don’t want to get too graphic about what I saw that night. So I’ll leave it that this perfect looking gal isn’t so perfect after all if she can’t even properly flush her poo. And I guess the moral of the story is twofold: one, that even people who look like they have their ish together are dealing with stuff that you can’t see, and two, that you should always make sure your ish goes all the way down when using a public toilet.


2 thoughts on “Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

  1. Pingback: November, Volume 2 | Good Morning Aomori

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