Edited by Samantha Martin
Last month, we introduced a series called Proper Prompting and debuted the effervescent writing of Mr. Brian Hill. We were transported along with the protagonist of his short story into a party where our only interest was in finding that certain special someone. Last month’s prompt was about a Reluctant ‘I’, with parameters restricting the authors to use the words ‘me’, ‘my’, or ‘I’ only twice in the entire piece. This month, in line with February and the (in)famous day of love, the prompt given revolved around this phrase: “Nobody has ever loved me as much as I have loved them.” However, as inspiring as this sentence may be, the authors were prohibited from using it verbatim in their work! What resulted were stories that showed the plight of some rather familiar, somewhat ‘Loveless’ characters. Please enjoy this month’s anonymous submission, sent to us from Aomori prefecture… with love.
At some point in every romantic comedy the female heroine will inevitably trip and fall over something stupid like a twig, leaving her helplessly trapped in the path of something horrible like a semi-truck or wheel-barrow full of skeletons. She’s inevitably scooped up and rescued by some bloke who looks like he’s stepped out of a Sears catalogue. Quaff hair, muscular forearms and a nice thick neck. They then perform the heterosexual mating ritual of ‘’love at first sight’’, followed by absolutely hating each other and then forced interaction, usually due to her magazine publishing job. They do things like playing scrabble with grandparents, running on the beach and usually a sunset picnic. The story ends with them madly in love….bound by memories of vanquishing the senile, sandy genitals and ants. Or as I like to call them ‘’relationship byproducts’’.
Let’s be honest, I fall over all the time. And nobody who has ever modeled Fruit Of The Loom undies has ever ‘’scooped’’ me. It usually ends with stray dogs smelling my fanny as I lay on the road like a beached whale. Just waiting for someone to rescue me. Usually a pack of wayward teenagers will appear and creep slowly towards me, looking to see if they can scavenge anything from my rapidly aging, body. I can usually convince at least one of them to accompany me to McDonald’s where we will share a McRib and our feelings. Teens make great listeners as long as you supply them with enough food and WiFi. They do have limits though, typically around four hours of listening to me talk about Rodger, my ex-boyfriend who broke up with me on a post-it-note they will throw a tantrum. Usually, I calm them down with a McFlurry and talk about my workout regime which consists of nothing. Sometimes, if they are really nice guys I’ll set them up with my waxer, Svetlana. She’s chronically single and won’t shut up about it.
If I had a time-machine I would do two things. 1) work for a magazine 2) Never date Rodger. Until then, I’ll continue flinging myself into the paths of projectiles on rollers. I’m hoping that my upcoming rickshaw accident will get me some serious time in the hospital. Since last March I’ve been telling my sister that I’m dating a Dutch doctor with a neck thicker than a lamppost. I just have to find him before her wedding next month. She’s going to be so jealous.
The Loveless prompt has been extended for one more month, much to the delight of readers and writers throughout the -ken. Whenever prompts are given, they’ll be posted both on the Aomori JETs page, and on Sam’s Facebook page. Be on the lookout in March for a new prompt as well! If you have a submission for Proper Prompting, please send your poetry, short stories, essays, haikus, or song lyrics to firstname.lastname@example.org!